Yeah... All the stuff with Leviathan has been a lot, and talking with him has brought back a lot of bad memories about the arena game... And then Loki graduating the other day...
I dunno, I've just been thinking about you. Wondering how you're doing. It's been a really complicated time lately.
It's you, so I'm okay with talking a little. It's...
[takes a deep breath.]
Levi-san arrived right after I... broke down at Wild City and my unit. I actually didn't know he was here, at first, because I'd been in my room for days. After all that, it was both... I don't know. It was frustrating and a little relieving to have his optimism. I could tell he was naïve and didn't really grasp the nuances of everything, but he was really vocal about reassuring me that I shouldn't-- stop believing in people. That it was possible for units to work together. That kind of thing.
And... things with sensitIV felt like they'd been getting better, recently. There's still a lot that's frustrating, but the others had been... quiet, I guess? Even Lucifel-san's been making an effort. He talks to me about what he's doing sometimes, and I hear he effectively organized a bunch of units into withdrawing from that auction game. I didn't realize it, but I think I'd started to really believe that some of what I wanted might actually happen?
So for Loki-san to suddenly announce he was choosing to side with Hell... and for Levi-san's first reaction to the murder incident to be violence...
It was like... oh, right. I remember now. That's why it hurts to hope.
[he sits in silence for a moment, staring out at the water and thinking.]
I'm... sad. About what Leviathan did. It turns out I have a lot of really strong feelings about murder and that event made me feel every single one of them simultaneously.
I talked to him afterward and... I dunno, I get the impression this kinda thing might be more like the standard protocol where he's from, so he just reacted without examining anything. He's from the same place as Hiryuu and I've butted heads with her over this kind of thing before, too. I think it's just... part of the culture, where they're from.
[he idly fidgets with the sandwich paper]
But... when I talked to Leviathan, he was willing to listen to me, and it wasn't difficult to explain to him how this kind of thing hurts people. He seemed... remorseful that his actions made people sad, so I think he's going to try to do better in the future.
This was a disappointing and sad thing that happened, and I think we're both justified in being bummed out about it, but I don't think it's setting things back all the way to zero. Leviathan made a mistake. He has a lot of cultural baggage to overcome. But I'm encouraged by the fact that he's listening and making an effort.
You talked to him? Then you're doing better than me. Aside from Loki-san's graduation and the school game, I haven't even seen him. He's been avoiding sensitIV and the dorm. So... I want to believe what you're saying, but... the first time I saw him after he told us about killing Doodleman-san, he attacked Asmodeus.
[he speaks a little hesitantly, like he's not sure about his phrasing.]
Um... at the beginning, he was very warm. He could be slow to catch on to some kinds of things, and he was pretty self-conscious, so it was fun to tease him. He'd get really flustered and prickly. But he really cared about sensitIV a lot, and he was protective of us. He didn't see anything wrong with playing mercilessly in games as long as it meant that we didn't get hurt, so I'd argue with him about that. It all came from a good place, though.
Things started going downhill-- well, the inciting incident was probably the House of Mirth. It hit all of us really hard. I think... there were a lot of things that came together in the weeks afterwards to make him feel-- no, I can't speak for him. Maybe he'd always held grudges, but if so, they hadn't really affected us? They started to, though, even in games. The protectiveness became a problem, too. He wouldn't ever talk to me about his feelings, and when I'd confront him about his actions he'd just say that I expected too much from him, because I was a good person and he wasn't.
Yeah, a lot of that does sound like Leviathan. Especially the protectiveness. I met him on his first day here and he already had the vibe about him that suggested he was ready to throw down to defend himself and sensitIV. He considered getting the wound-unwinding power as his first one, but I talked him into doing hand-to-hand combat training with me instead, so he could feel capable of protecting himself without resorting to... that.
Unlike Loki, though, I don't think he sees himself as a bad person. I think he can still be reasoned with, and he still wants to do right by you.
...I think it's gonna take him a lot of work to overcome his social programming, and he's probably going to mess up a lot along the way, but I really do think he's trying.
[takes another sip of tea to wash down a bite of his own sandwich.]
... not great. I guess I'm treating it as him being gone from my life for good. Breaking off the relationship. Because, I mean, even if I could see him again, I'm... not sure I'd want to. So I'm sad for the way things used to be, and part of me keeps wondering if there's more I could have done to-- I don't know. Prevent this outcome. Change things, somehow.
He's against choosing "Heaven" on principle because he's a demon in his world, which is stupid because "Heaven" is apparently just a different faction of demons. And he's convinced that he can overthrow Asmodeus from inside the system. But given the way the graduation ceremony went...
Yasuragi's an asshole. I don't like the pattern of him doing things to upset people and then Loki-san feeling like he has to defend him-- I just don't like him. I don't think he purposefully lied about loving Loki-san or anything like that, but I also don't trust him to not hurt him.
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rollwillpowercheck) wrote2018-12-03 06:11 pm
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I've been thinking about you a lot lately.
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Have you?
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I dunno, I've just been thinking about you. Wondering how you're doing. It's been a really complicated time lately.
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[pulls his knees up to his chest and folds his arms on top of them. he's quiet for a moment, thinking.]
It's been bad. I feel... betrayed, in a lot of ways.
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I can imagine, but... tell me about it?
I mean, if you feel like it. If you just want to eat sandwiches and throw rocks in the lake, that's also fine.
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[takes a deep breath.]
Levi-san arrived right after I... broke down at Wild City and my unit. I actually didn't know he was here, at first, because I'd been in my room for days. After all that, it was both... I don't know. It was frustrating and a little relieving to have his optimism. I could tell he was naïve and didn't really grasp the nuances of everything, but he was really vocal about reassuring me that I shouldn't-- stop believing in people. That it was possible for units to work together. That kind of thing.
And... things with sensitIV felt like they'd been getting better, recently. There's still a lot that's frustrating, but the others had been... quiet, I guess? Even Lucifel-san's been making an effort. He talks to me about what he's doing sometimes, and I hear he effectively organized a bunch of units into withdrawing from that auction game. I didn't realize it, but I think I'd started to really believe that some of what I wanted might actually happen?
So for Loki-san to suddenly announce he was choosing to side with Hell... and for Levi-san's first reaction to the murder incident to be violence...
It was like... oh, right. I remember now. That's why it hurts to hope.
no subject
I'm... sad. About what Leviathan did. It turns out I have a lot of really strong feelings about murder and that event made me feel every single one of them simultaneously.
I talked to him afterward and... I dunno, I get the impression this kinda thing might be more like the standard protocol where he's from, so he just reacted without examining anything. He's from the same place as Hiryuu and I've butted heads with her over this kind of thing before, too. I think it's just... part of the culture, where they're from.
[he idly fidgets with the sandwich paper]
But... when I talked to Leviathan, he was willing to listen to me, and it wasn't difficult to explain to him how this kind of thing hurts people. He seemed... remorseful that his actions made people sad, so I think he's going to try to do better in the future.
This was a disappointing and sad thing that happened, and I think we're both justified in being bummed out about it, but I don't think it's setting things back all the way to zero. Leviathan made a mistake. He has a lot of cultural baggage to overcome. But I'm encouraged by the fact that he's listening and making an effort.
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1/2
[HE JUST WANTS TO SCREAM FOR TEN STRAIGHT MINUTES]
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I still don't think he's malicious, though!
[BUT STILL EXTREMELY FRUSTRATING
LEVI, CAN YOU PLEASE CHILL]
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It's... definitely not malicious. I really do think he's trying to help. But that kind of, um, well-meaning impulsiveness leading to violence?
It reminds me of Loki-san, and that worries me.
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What was he like?
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[he speaks a little hesitantly, like he's not sure about his phrasing.]
Um... at the beginning, he was very warm. He could be slow to catch on to some kinds of things, and he was pretty self-conscious, so it was fun to tease him. He'd get really flustered and prickly. But he really cared about sensitIV a lot, and he was protective of us. He didn't see anything wrong with playing mercilessly in games as long as it meant that we didn't get hurt, so I'd argue with him about that. It all came from a good place, though.
Things started going downhill-- well, the inciting incident was probably the House of Mirth. It hit all of us really hard. I think... there were a lot of things that came together in the weeks afterwards to make him feel-- no, I can't speak for him. Maybe he'd always held grudges, but if so, they hadn't really affected us? They started to, though, even in games. The protectiveness became a problem, too. He wouldn't ever talk to me about his feelings, and when I'd confront him about his actions he'd just say that I expected too much from him, because I was a good person and he wasn't.
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Yeah, a lot of that does sound like Leviathan. Especially the protectiveness. I met him on his first day here and he already had the vibe about him that suggested he was ready to throw down to defend himself and sensitIV. He considered getting the wound-unwinding power as his first one, but I talked him into doing hand-to-hand combat training with me instead, so he could feel capable of protecting himself without resorting to... that.
Unlike Loki, though, I don't think he sees himself as a bad person. I think he can still be reasoned with, and he still wants to do right by you.
...I think it's gonna take him a lot of work to overcome his social programming, and he's probably going to mess up a lot along the way, but I really do think he's trying.
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You can dislike a person's actions without disliking the person, right?
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You definitely can. Sometimes it just gets rough trying to balance that. But... Levi-san isn't there yet.
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[stares out at the lake for a moment, lost in thought.
....Then he takes a bite of his sandwich]
How are you doing, with Loki graduating and all?
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... not great. I guess I'm treating it as him being gone from my life for good. Breaking off the relationship. Because, I mean, even if I could see him again, I'm... not sure I'd want to. So I'm sad for the way things used to be, and part of me keeps wondering if there's more I could have done to-- I don't know. Prevent this outcome. Change things, somehow.
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He's against choosing "Heaven" on principle because he's a demon in his world, which is stupid because "Heaven" is apparently just a different faction of demons. And he's convinced that he can overthrow Asmodeus from inside the system. But given the way the graduation ceremony went...
[stares down at the ground.]
I feel like it was mostly about Yasuragi.
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...Is that a bad reason?
They love each other, right?
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Yasuragi's an asshole. I don't like the pattern of him doing things to upset people and then Loki-san feeling like he has to defend him-- I just don't like him. I don't think he purposefully lied about loving Loki-san or anything like that, but I also don't trust him to not hurt him.
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Which part bothers you more: that Loki chose Hell or that he's with Yasuragi?
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I don't know. They feel like part of the same problem, I guess.
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