It's you, so I'm okay with talking a little. It's...
[takes a deep breath.]
Levi-san arrived right after I... broke down at Wild City and my unit. I actually didn't know he was here, at first, because I'd been in my room for days. After all that, it was both... I don't know. It was frustrating and a little relieving to have his optimism. I could tell he was naïve and didn't really grasp the nuances of everything, but he was really vocal about reassuring me that I shouldn't-- stop believing in people. That it was possible for units to work together. That kind of thing.
And... things with sensitIV felt like they'd been getting better, recently. There's still a lot that's frustrating, but the others had been... quiet, I guess? Even Lucifel-san's been making an effort. He talks to me about what he's doing sometimes, and I hear he effectively organized a bunch of units into withdrawing from that auction game. I didn't realize it, but I think I'd started to really believe that some of what I wanted might actually happen?
So for Loki-san to suddenly announce he was choosing to side with Hell... and for Levi-san's first reaction to the murder incident to be violence...
It was like... oh, right. I remember now. That's why it hurts to hope.
[he sits in silence for a moment, staring out at the water and thinking.]
I'm... sad. About what Leviathan did. It turns out I have a lot of really strong feelings about murder and that event made me feel every single one of them simultaneously.
I talked to him afterward and... I dunno, I get the impression this kinda thing might be more like the standard protocol where he's from, so he just reacted without examining anything. He's from the same place as Hiryuu and I've butted heads with her over this kind of thing before, too. I think it's just... part of the culture, where they're from.
[he idly fidgets with the sandwich paper]
But... when I talked to Leviathan, he was willing to listen to me, and it wasn't difficult to explain to him how this kind of thing hurts people. He seemed... remorseful that his actions made people sad, so I think he's going to try to do better in the future.
This was a disappointing and sad thing that happened, and I think we're both justified in being bummed out about it, but I don't think it's setting things back all the way to zero. Leviathan made a mistake. He has a lot of cultural baggage to overcome. But I'm encouraged by the fact that he's listening and making an effort.
You talked to him? Then you're doing better than me. Aside from Loki-san's graduation and the school game, I haven't even seen him. He's been avoiding sensitIV and the dorm. So... I want to believe what you're saying, but... the first time I saw him after he told us about killing Doodleman-san, he attacked Asmodeus.
[he speaks a little hesitantly, like he's not sure about his phrasing.]
Um... at the beginning, he was very warm. He could be slow to catch on to some kinds of things, and he was pretty self-conscious, so it was fun to tease him. He'd get really flustered and prickly. But he really cared about sensitIV a lot, and he was protective of us. He didn't see anything wrong with playing mercilessly in games as long as it meant that we didn't get hurt, so I'd argue with him about that. It all came from a good place, though.
Things started going downhill-- well, the inciting incident was probably the House of Mirth. It hit all of us really hard. I think... there were a lot of things that came together in the weeks afterwards to make him feel-- no, I can't speak for him. Maybe he'd always held grudges, but if so, they hadn't really affected us? They started to, though, even in games. The protectiveness became a problem, too. He wouldn't ever talk to me about his feelings, and when I'd confront him about his actions he'd just say that I expected too much from him, because I was a good person and he wasn't.
Yeah, a lot of that does sound like Leviathan. Especially the protectiveness. I met him on his first day here and he already had the vibe about him that suggested he was ready to throw down to defend himself and sensitIV. He considered getting the wound-unwinding power as his first one, but I talked him into doing hand-to-hand combat training with me instead, so he could feel capable of protecting himself without resorting to... that.
Unlike Loki, though, I don't think he sees himself as a bad person. I think he can still be reasoned with, and he still wants to do right by you.
...I think it's gonna take him a lot of work to overcome his social programming, and he's probably going to mess up a lot along the way, but I really do think he's trying.
[takes another sip of tea to wash down a bite of his own sandwich.]
... not great. I guess I'm treating it as him being gone from my life for good. Breaking off the relationship. Because, I mean, even if I could see him again, I'm... not sure I'd want to. So I'm sad for the way things used to be, and part of me keeps wondering if there's more I could have done to-- I don't know. Prevent this outcome. Change things, somehow.
He's against choosing "Heaven" on principle because he's a demon in his world, which is stupid because "Heaven" is apparently just a different faction of demons. And he's convinced that he can overthrow Asmodeus from inside the system. But given the way the graduation ceremony went...
Yasuragi's an asshole. I don't like the pattern of him doing things to upset people and then Loki-san feeling like he has to defend him-- I just don't like him. I don't think he purposefully lied about loving Loki-san or anything like that, but I also don't trust him to not hurt him.
...There are a lot of people here for whom Heaven's option is not viable, for various reasons. Some have already died back where they're from, so if they go back to "their world, as they left it," it may just mean dying again, forever. And some people, like me, have a home worse than here, or don't have a home to return to at all.
Until we're able to find another way out of here, those people who can't go back home... where should we go?
Do we know that people who are dead can't go home? I mean, I know we've been assuming it, but... I've been wondering for a while if that's really true. We weren't ever told it for a fact, were we? So...
[he trails off. when he speaks again, he sounds more hesitant.]
I don't... have a good answer. I can't pretend that I do. But pledging allegiance to this Hell forever and turning yourself into a demon? That can't be the only option. If there's only one viable choice, then... the way Heaven's been framing this, the way they've set things up... it doesn't make any sense. I don't trust them either, but... you can't ask people to have "faith" in a choice that would never actually...
Maybe someday we'll be able to. Until then, I think we're all doing our best with what we have to work with.
I can understand the logic of choosing Hell for the purpose of trying to dismantle the system from the inside, or making a wish that could improve the lives of others. Like, for example, if I had the power to make the games easier, so nobody had to suffer so much in a place that would otherwise be a paradise, I would. Especially if I can't go home anyway. Right now my options appear to be an eternity in a cage where we all have to kill each other for someone else's amusement, or an eternity where I could actually be of some good to someone, trying to prevent stuff like this from happening to others.
[shrug]
Not that I've had the opportunity to choose anything so far anyway. Just that I understand why someone would make that choice, in the absence of better options.
I don't really trust Heaven or Hell. But I trust you, and Intensity. I want to help find another way out of here. If becoming a demon means I can help open a door for others to escape through, I'd willing to consider it.
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rollwillpowercheck) wrote2018-12-03 06:11 pm
no subject
[takes a deep breath.]
Levi-san arrived right after I... broke down at Wild City and my unit. I actually didn't know he was here, at first, because I'd been in my room for days. After all that, it was both... I don't know. It was frustrating and a little relieving to have his optimism. I could tell he was naïve and didn't really grasp the nuances of everything, but he was really vocal about reassuring me that I shouldn't-- stop believing in people. That it was possible for units to work together. That kind of thing.
And... things with sensitIV felt like they'd been getting better, recently. There's still a lot that's frustrating, but the others had been... quiet, I guess? Even Lucifel-san's been making an effort. He talks to me about what he's doing sometimes, and I hear he effectively organized a bunch of units into withdrawing from that auction game. I didn't realize it, but I think I'd started to really believe that some of what I wanted might actually happen?
So for Loki-san to suddenly announce he was choosing to side with Hell... and for Levi-san's first reaction to the murder incident to be violence...
It was like... oh, right. I remember now. That's why it hurts to hope.
no subject
I'm... sad. About what Leviathan did. It turns out I have a lot of really strong feelings about murder and that event made me feel every single one of them simultaneously.
I talked to him afterward and... I dunno, I get the impression this kinda thing might be more like the standard protocol where he's from, so he just reacted without examining anything. He's from the same place as Hiryuu and I've butted heads with her over this kind of thing before, too. I think it's just... part of the culture, where they're from.
[he idly fidgets with the sandwich paper]
But... when I talked to Leviathan, he was willing to listen to me, and it wasn't difficult to explain to him how this kind of thing hurts people. He seemed... remorseful that his actions made people sad, so I think he's going to try to do better in the future.
This was a disappointing and sad thing that happened, and I think we're both justified in being bummed out about it, but I don't think it's setting things back all the way to zero. Leviathan made a mistake. He has a lot of cultural baggage to overcome. But I'm encouraged by the fact that he's listening and making an effort.
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1/2
[HE JUST WANTS TO SCREAM FOR TEN STRAIGHT MINUTES]
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I still don't think he's malicious, though!
[BUT STILL EXTREMELY FRUSTRATING
LEVI, CAN YOU PLEASE CHILL]
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It's... definitely not malicious. I really do think he's trying to help. But that kind of, um, well-meaning impulsiveness leading to violence?
It reminds me of Loki-san, and that worries me.
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What was he like?
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[he speaks a little hesitantly, like he's not sure about his phrasing.]
Um... at the beginning, he was very warm. He could be slow to catch on to some kinds of things, and he was pretty self-conscious, so it was fun to tease him. He'd get really flustered and prickly. But he really cared about sensitIV a lot, and he was protective of us. He didn't see anything wrong with playing mercilessly in games as long as it meant that we didn't get hurt, so I'd argue with him about that. It all came from a good place, though.
Things started going downhill-- well, the inciting incident was probably the House of Mirth. It hit all of us really hard. I think... there were a lot of things that came together in the weeks afterwards to make him feel-- no, I can't speak for him. Maybe he'd always held grudges, but if so, they hadn't really affected us? They started to, though, even in games. The protectiveness became a problem, too. He wouldn't ever talk to me about his feelings, and when I'd confront him about his actions he'd just say that I expected too much from him, because I was a good person and he wasn't.
no subject
Yeah, a lot of that does sound like Leviathan. Especially the protectiveness. I met him on his first day here and he already had the vibe about him that suggested he was ready to throw down to defend himself and sensitIV. He considered getting the wound-unwinding power as his first one, but I talked him into doing hand-to-hand combat training with me instead, so he could feel capable of protecting himself without resorting to... that.
Unlike Loki, though, I don't think he sees himself as a bad person. I think he can still be reasoned with, and he still wants to do right by you.
...I think it's gonna take him a lot of work to overcome his social programming, and he's probably going to mess up a lot along the way, but I really do think he's trying.
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You can dislike a person's actions without disliking the person, right?
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You definitely can. Sometimes it just gets rough trying to balance that. But... Levi-san isn't there yet.
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[stares out at the lake for a moment, lost in thought.
....Then he takes a bite of his sandwich]
How are you doing, with Loki graduating and all?
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... not great. I guess I'm treating it as him being gone from my life for good. Breaking off the relationship. Because, I mean, even if I could see him again, I'm... not sure I'd want to. So I'm sad for the way things used to be, and part of me keeps wondering if there's more I could have done to-- I don't know. Prevent this outcome. Change things, somehow.
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He's against choosing "Heaven" on principle because he's a demon in his world, which is stupid because "Heaven" is apparently just a different faction of demons. And he's convinced that he can overthrow Asmodeus from inside the system. But given the way the graduation ceremony went...
[stares down at the ground.]
I feel like it was mostly about Yasuragi.
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...Is that a bad reason?
They love each other, right?
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Yasuragi's an asshole. I don't like the pattern of him doing things to upset people and then Loki-san feeling like he has to defend him-- I just don't like him. I don't think he purposefully lied about loving Loki-san or anything like that, but I also don't trust him to not hurt him.
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Which part bothers you more: that Loki chose Hell or that he's with Yasuragi?
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I don't know. They feel like part of the same problem, I guess.
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Of course I would. It's giving Hell what they want most -- more recruits.
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...There are a lot of people here for whom Heaven's option is not viable, for various reasons. Some have already died back where they're from, so if they go back to "their world, as they left it," it may just mean dying again, forever. And some people, like me, have a home worse than here, or don't have a home to return to at all.
Until we're able to find another way out of here, those people who can't go back home... where should we go?
no subject
Do we know that people who are dead can't go home? I mean, I know we've been assuming it, but... I've been wondering for a while if that's really true. We weren't ever told it for a fact, were we? So...
[he trails off. when he speaks again, he sounds more hesitant.]
I don't... have a good answer. I can't pretend that I do. But pledging allegiance to this Hell forever and turning yourself into a demon? That can't be the only option. If there's only one viable choice, then... the way Heaven's been framing this, the way they've set things up... it doesn't make any sense. I don't trust them either, but... you can't ask people to have "faith" in a choice that would never actually...
I don't know. I wish I could just ask.
no subject
I can understand the logic of choosing Hell for the purpose of trying to dismantle the system from the inside, or making a wish that could improve the lives of others. Like, for example, if I had the power to make the games easier, so nobody had to suffer so much in a place that would otherwise be a paradise, I would. Especially if I can't go home anyway. Right now my options appear to be an eternity in a cage where we all have to kill each other for someone else's amusement, or an eternity where I could actually be of some good to someone, trying to prevent stuff like this from happening to others.
[shrug]
Not that I've had the opportunity to choose anything so far anyway. Just that I understand why someone would make that choice, in the absence of better options.
I don't really trust Heaven or Hell. But I trust you, and Intensity. I want to help find another way out of here. If becoming a demon means I can help open a door for others to escape through, I'd willing to consider it.
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